PROGRAMMERS LANGUAGE REFERENCE GUIDE

C
You shoot yourself in the foot.

C++
You accidentally create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Providing emergency medical care is impossible, since you can't tell which are bitwise copies and which are just pointing at others and saying 'that's me over there'.

Java
It looks like your gun but some things are missing and others are in the wrong place. While trying to figure out how to use it you accidentally shoot yourself in the groin.

Modula-2
After realizing that you can't actually accomplish anything in the language, you shoot yourself in the head.

Pascal
Same as Modula-2, except that the bullets are the wrong type and won't pass through the barrel. The gun explodes.

FORTRAN
You shoot yourself in each toe, iteratively, until you run out of toes, then you read in the next foot and repeat. If you run out of bullets, you continue anyway because you have no exception-processing ability.

ALGOL
You shoot yourself in the foot with a musket. The musket is aesthetically fascinating, and the wound baffles the adolescent medic in the emergency room.

COBOL
You describe the gun, the foot, and the process of shooting the foot with the gun in great detail. You then shoot yourself in the head.

APL
You hear a bang, your foot hurts, but you don't know enough linear algebra to figure out what happened.

LISP
You shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which you shoot yourself in the appendage which holds the gun with which ....

FORTH
Foot in yourself shoot.

ASSEMBLY
You shoot yourself in the foot with a machine gun. You attempt to modify the program to slow down the fire rate but are unable to understand the program because there are no comments in the code.

XBASE
Shooting yourself is no problem. If you want to shoot yourself in the foot, you have to use Clipper.

BASIC
Shoot yourself in the foot with a water-pistol. On big systems, continue until entire lower body is waterlogged.

VISUAL BASIC
You spend days designing the perfect user interface and then shoot yourself in the foot, but you have so much fun doing it that you don't care.

HTML
 <a href="http://www.body.org/lower-half/leg/foot.html"> Shoot here </a>

SQL
You cut off your foot, send it to the service bureau and when it returns it has a hole in it, but no longer fits the end of your leg

Dbase
You pull the trigger, but the bullet moves so slowly that by the time it reaches your foot, you've forgotten why you shot yourself in the first place
 

Feb-27-2004 WOW, What a day. TechTV celeb Sarah Lane delivered my new BMW Z4 in person. I don't know what was a bigger thrill? Winning a new car or meeting Sarah and all of the great people associated with TechTV. Thank you all. I feel so blessed, words cannot express my gratitude.

Watch the video. (4MB)

"Correct a wise person and they will thank you, correct a foolish person and they will despise you."

    A paraphrase from the wisdom of Solomon.

This web site best viewed at resolutions of 800x600 or higher using IE.

Last Updated: May 31, 2008